Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
