the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
