having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
