I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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