only you would photoshop your dick
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
