My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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