??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
