he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
