i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drunk is a universal language darling
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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