All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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