Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
