My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
