Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
two words...techno handjob
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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