the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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