Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
