I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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