I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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