I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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