My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
