I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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