Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
