I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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