She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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