I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
