Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
We left an ass print on the piano.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
