well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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