Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
