he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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