Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
