Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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