I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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