hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
