We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
