she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
