Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
