my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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