i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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