it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
