i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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