There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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