We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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