You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
