Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
