How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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