i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
