come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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