did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
