Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
