I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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