omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just gargled with NyQuil
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
